Pensively Yours

pensive‚ÄĒexpressing or revealing thoughtfulness, usually marked by some sadness

If you had to describe yourself with just one word what would it be? After Ashton, my third child and only son was diagnosed with a progressive and fatal rare genetic illness over the course of five and one half months during 2011 I was always filled with many mixed emotions. Pretty normal I guess considering the circumstances.

The only advice that was offered to me was not to worry, it would get better with time. I have found that it does not, it actually gets worse over time. I think that is just something people say in an effort to be helpful. Of course, most of these people have never encountered a similar situation with their own children. But I guess I prefer people at least trying to be nice and understanding than to have them say nothing at all.

What I have found is that over time it gets just a little easier to control my mixed emotions. There are times though when I just have to retreat and shut myself off from the world and people not living in my house. My one word would be pensive. And that is as good as I get. Pensively Yours has been my signature since then and is the name of my blog. Select Pensively Yours from the drop-down box under categories to the right to read blog entries. There are also other posts tagged Pensively Yours, those can be selected from the tag cloud. I try and keep my writings specifically about having a life limited and medically fragile child on his website, Action4Ashton.org, they are tagged as DMDmom and can be found here.

Now there is no need to think that I am all gloom and doom. I am not. My daily reality just happens to involve subject matter many hope to get through life avoiding. I am very realistic and down to earth so I can’t avoid what is right there staring me in the face each day. I believe that loosing a child is the worst possible loss you can have. And knowing that you are going to loose your child makes it even worse. Even on my best days and during my happiest moments the dark cloud hanging over me is always there. You really can not understand this constant sadness unless you face a similar situation. No need to be afraid of me, it is very possible to be happy and sad at the same time.