As Crazy As I Get

Yes, most I know would consider this crazy, a complete waste of time and completely unnecessary but today was the absolute last chance I had to say goodbye to my dad’s dream and my parent’s life before the place I called home since the second half of my childhood belonged to someone else. My life has just become so crazy and unpredictable that I must divide and conquer the most urgent matters each day instead planning ahead like a normal and responsible adult would.

So my mom had her appointment this morning to sign off on the sale and the buyers take possession in the morning, time quickly passing me by with so much to do that I was not able to take that final walk through the woods my dad loved so much and I remember him bringing me to see when I was just a little girl of only 3-4 years of age. I do vividly remember the sun shining through the trees that day, how excited he was to bring me there, how huge the gravel pit seemed to me as he stood at the top. I just wanted a quiet moment to sit alone and take it all in, reflect upon his lifetime and mine for that matter in the house he built. So yes, I do go to the gas station down the road to buy a pack of Miller and drive in the thunderstorm to my parent’s place. I never did get to take my final walk through the woods along the property line like I did as a kid but I made a complete and thourogh walk through the house, basement and garage taking some final photos, imagining that my dad was with me the entire time. Yes, I laid on the floor where his side of the bed used to be looking up at the ceiling, just staring and imagining what may have been going through his mind. The wounds ever so fresh of my mom’s near death experience while my dad’s older brother was behind the wheel, to this day he has been completely oblivious to the toll that has taken on my mom’s overall health never mind the mental health of my dad, sister and I. I totally believe that this took 5-10 years off each my mom’s and dad’s lifespans. I came home to stay with my dad after my mom’s hospital admittance which ended up lasting an entire month as he was not really able to be alone for an extended amount of time. It just pains me to think back then of him struggling to sleep because of the nightmares and anxiety caused by seeing my mom laying face down on the frozen pavement, unconscious in a puddle of antifreeze with the wheel of another vehicle just inches from her head right in front of the cemetery across the road from my parent’s driveway, unable to do anything but wait for the ambulance to arrive with the frigid wind blowing up over the hill while she is shivering and is in severe pain upon coming to. Well I found this final visit to be rather cathartic, I am happy I made it despite how crazy you may think me to be. It is a good thing that I had an appointment to get back too because I could have very easily stayed there lost forever in thought. Some pain will never end no matter how hard you try to make it go away.

Yes, I am a Miller girl, my mom is the one and only Miller Light lol but we really have no relationship to the Miller’s of Miller Brewing Company. It is however the “champagne of beers” and I could not think of a more appropriate final farewell than sharing one with dad as in I drank half and poured the other half on the ground for the lilac (another long story yet to share). I may be crazy but I am responsible, it was only midday and I had to drive back you know lol. I even hid the bottle cap and the empty bottle each in a separate spot inside the house that I bet no one will ever find. My daddy may not have a grave but I left a permanent indication of his existence for him.♥️