Another Lost Anniversary

I would be remiss not to mention that my parents were married 53 years ago today. For a lack of the perfect or better word for this just let me say your parent’s anniversary sure is an “odd” day after one of them have passed away. This is the third anniversary without my daddy. If there is a correct or ordinary way to handle days like this I somehow missed that chapter.

I have said before, the heart just does not forget certain things. So, I’ll be honest and say that I was stressing about this already weeks ago. Wednesday I thought I would check in on my mom and caught her having a good day that morning doing spiritual things. I surprisingly had a good day today today as I was busy with spiritual things that afternoon.

Okay, confession time, any strength or courage I might display day to day really is a facade. I really need to force a brave face day to day as I fear if I am honest about my feelings and start to cry I will never be able to stop. I used to wonder what was wrong with me and considered this to be a weakness in faith. I have come around to thinking I am just mostly upset from how horrible my dad’s last days, months and year was helplessly watching him wasting away from cancer and slowly loosing himself with dementia. I was so busy with Ashton’s out of state medical appointments that I was not there enough for him, my mom or my sister. I was not in a good place already with my son’s diagnosis that I just was not in a place to be the daughter or sister that I think I should have been or would have been if not having had a child with serious, life altering and shortening illness already. Truth be told . . .