Dear Baby Bean,
With wonder I look at you dear Baby Bean,
a miracle so small too early behold.
Everything about you never to be seen,
your dreams and life story never to be told.
Mourning you dear child, tears they do flow.
Longing to meet you, missing you so.
A boy or girl which were you to be?
Would you look like dad or more like me?
I always will wonder but never will know.
Oh how I wish I could see how you would grow.
You are my child I never get to meet,
hear your first cry, count the toes on your feet.
Life will go on and somehow so must I.
I wish I knew what did cause you to die.
Not in my arms but in my heart I will carry you with me.
You will always remind me oh just how fragile life can be.
Dear Baby Bean I will never forget you, no need to fear.
Without even speaking your message is heard ever so clear.
Take no one for granted and keep close to you those you hold dear.
Okay, now I am really coming out of the closet by sharing this poem. Not that it is some huge secret, it is just a really personal loss. I only told a handful of ‘close’ people about it at the time. A couple just happened to ask how I was doing, were very understanding and said they were sorry. For the others it was an explanation of why I needed a bit of down time but I didn’t really get much of a response or at least not the response that I needed.
It was a very crazy busy time of transition and I had to keep pressing forward but I also had to process this loss and I wanted those closest to me to understand what I was going through. So I started jotting down my random thoughts and it quickly turned into a long poem. My intention was that since we were not talking about it I could at least write what I needed to say and that perhaps reading my thoughts would be easier than listening.
The above is only the second half of my poem and is generic enough that I think anyone dealing with or who has dealt with a miscarriage can relate to. I hope that it also can help those who have not experienced a miscarriage try and understand the grief and sense of loss that it causes and will enable them to be a better support person for someone dealing with a miscarriage. Or perhaps be used to open the door of communication as I originally intended.
I have always tried to be an empathetic person. But I must say I never have nor do I think I ever will be able to understand how someone could have an abortion. Yes, I know this is a hot button issue and I am by no means endorsing any political movement or candidate here. This is simply my thought as a mom and woman talking. I believe that life starts at conception and that all babies are a blessing regardless of how they came about. I can understand feeling like you are too young or too old or too busy to have a baby. Maybe you are afraid of how your parents will react or maybe your partner really does not want to be responsible for a child. But could you be a mom just until your baby is born and then let a couple that desperately wants to have a child adopt, love, nurture and raise this precious baby you brought into the world?
The heart simply remembers these things. It just comes back to me at the same time each year when I got the positive pregnancy test result and when I had the miscarriage. And every year it hits me around the time of the due date that baby would now have been # years old. I just can not help but wonder who the baby would have been and what they would be like now. Maybe this actually only makes sense to moms who have had a miscarriage or stillbirth. But I have to believe that the heart of women who have had an abortion must remember and wonder too.